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Longphartz Answers

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Question from Mike S.: When eating spicy food, is it best to have a beer to help the digestion out? And is it recommended to fart until one feels the need to deposit the food baby?

Yes of course a beer is wise to drink with food to help digestion. The carbonation of it will aid in some longer, smellier farts. The best beers would be your cheap, recycled urine tasting beer, such as natty ice, keystone light, utica club, iron city, or even a warm coors light. This beers will assure that once done farting, you will expel any remnants of the food out with a musical montage.

Question from Dalyn D.: I've seen somebody light a fart and send a flame almost 12 inches through the air. Why are we not harnessing this natural resource, and if we do someday is it possible to seperate the methane from the crap smell or is it a packaged deal.

Russians have been trying to harness this power for years, unfortunately, due to terrible working conditions, and low ventilation, all employees eventually die a painful, poisonous methane death. They've been known to die with a smile on their face and tears of laughter as yes, even on your death bed, farts are still funny. Trying to harness this power has been banned in the US however, there have been some leaks thats their are some secret government projects working on making WMDs through harnessing this power. Shhh.

Question by Mary F: Can you lose weight by farting?

If you're wearing underwear then no, the weight expelled just gets suck into your undies. However, if farting in your birthday suit, yes indeed!

Question by Steve V.: Can farting be considered a good abdominal exercise, if you do it enough?

Yes but unfortunately, the foods that make you extra gassy are generally not too good for you. So you WILL have a rock hard six pack if you fart enough, however that rock hard six pack will be covered by a nice squishy layer of love... and tenderness. The sand dog is low in fat though, keep eating more of those for best results!

Question from Branden J: When I was a teen, I would be able to drink all the milk I wanted, but in college, I stopped drinking milk. As I entered the workforce after graduation, I started buying milk again...but found it to give me horrendous flatulence. So for the next 20 years I continued to drink milk & the farts have diminished over time...my question is this: will I ever be fart-free after drinking milk?

Answer: It would seem lactose is your friend! You're a special kind of person, when partaking in the dairy family, you get those nice hot smelly farts - eventually leading into the explosive diarrhea which is the ultimate cute for hot smelly farts. I can't guarantee you'll ever be 'fart free' after drinking milk, I would sure hope not. If you ever become 'fart free,' I would suggest checking yourself in for psyciatric help as you will become depressed and withdrawn. Farts are the ultimate afrodisiac, please experiment with other foods and drink that will keep your fart stream ah-streaming and ah-screaming!

Question from Michael W: What is the longest fart you have ever done?

Answer: Me personally? Farts are like a tree falling in the forest, if no one hears or smells it, did it really make a noise? My longest recorded fart was 37 seconds until I nearly passed out from pushing. Careful kids, farting can be dangerous, know your limits! Then break those limits! Thanks for the question Mike! Keep on gassin'! UPDATE.... VP would like to add to this that when he was a teenager he watched a news report about cow flatulence and its affect on the ozone layer. It reported that cows fart for up to 90 seconds at a time. VP thought this was not that impressive and proceeded to attempt a timed rival fart. It was a good one and idependently verified by two others to be 57 seconds in continous length. Hats off to cows for their ability, and thanks to Voxer for making farts easy to record in this day and age.

Q: How many farts are blown in the world on average everyday? What is the global impact?

A: On average, a person will do 21 farts a day, and with approximately 7 billion people in the world, thats 147,000,000,000 farts per day. Can you believe less than 1/10 of 1% are actually recorded and shared with their friends? Sad. Globally, this has little to no impact, unless in a small confined area. Surprisingly though, you ingest about 6 ounces of human fecal matter each year through inhaling farts, thankfully, they are low on calories. 

Q: Why do farts smell? How do our noses actually smell the farts?

A: Thanks for the two-part question! We smelled farts originally as a way of identifying others. Before God created the sun, we walked around blindly. Occasionally, you would walk into a cloud left by a tyranosaurus and be wise enough to run the other way. Our noses pick up the smell through little poop receptors called poopadillums. As you get older, your poopadillums fall off, hence why the elderly often do not realize they just passed gas.

Q: Are farts like fingerprints with no two being alike?

A: Farts are more like assprints, where no two are alike. Some are sloppy, some are pleasant, some are thinnly smelled, some hit you in the face like a truck. But much like the snowflake, no two will ever be the same.

Q: Why do some farts not smell at all?

A: Because you weren't close enough to the anus to get a wiff before it disapated, try getting a little closer next time and you will find the odor. If you feel the breeze, your nose will be pleased. 

Q: What is the loudest fart a person can do?

A: Depending on the size of your sphincter muscle, and the size of the speaker you are amplifying the sound through, the loudest fart can be heard for miles.

Q: Where is the best place to fart?

A: From your butt, silly!

Q: Can a fart smell nice?

A: Farts are like a rainbow of smell. Some have varying smells, where first it stings the nostrils, then becomes a pleasant odor like moms warm apple pie. Of course, you will always be a little bias toward your own farts, but open your heart and your nostrils and let the smell of other farts embrace you.

Q: Why are some farts hot?

A: Veggies make your insides burn!

Q: Why are farts necessary?

A: Everytime you fart, an angel gets its wings. 

Q: How long can you suppress a fart? What happens when you suppress too long?

A: Sadly, you can suppress most farts permanently. The gas will eventually dissipate into your guts. But why would you?!?! Let it out, be proud!

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